Starting from Here

I'm going to say this in as few words as possible. I hate myself. I learned it by watching my mother hate herself. And now my son is learning to hate himself, by watching me hate myself.

My mom and I both grew up with a lot of trauma. Oh, my son, who is 8, has already had more than a lifetime share of trauma, too. So basically, despite heroic efforts from each generation, we have not been able to prevent the next generation from experiencing abuse and trauma.

I could line up 100 people who would sing my praises as a mother and a human being. I'm strong, resiliant, heart-felt, kind, open-minded, open-hearted, hard-working, creative, introspective. I grow constantly. I'm super-self aware. I'm dedicated to healing and living a good life.

I provide well for my son: a holistic private-school education, a home in the country on lots of land with horses and chickens and wilderness. I'm an accepting and nurturing parent who he can talk to about anything. But I'm here to tell you, it's not enough.

My mom was raised by an abusive alcoholic father and absent-minded mother. All 5 of their kids had some pretty serious issues. But despite her own difficult upbringing, my mom provided for me well. She made sure I had nice clothes, tons of extra curricular activities, every opportunity. I excelled in everything growing up. I know in large part it was due to her efforts to make sure I had educational and other advantages. But did it stop me from experiencing abuse? No. Did it stop me from starting to hate myself and being disowned and cut off from my family at an early age? No. Am I worried that the same thing is happening to my son? That he will one day despise me, the way I do my mom, the way I secretly do myself? Yeah, I'm pretty worried about that.

I feel my mom's pain. I know what it is like to devote your life to doing more and better for your child, only to watch them begin to act out in familiar ways, reflecting back to you the self-loathing that causes you to hate and hurt yourself in so many unconscious ways, including pushing away people who could otherwise love you. It hurts to see it reflected back to you in your children. It sucks.

I spend so much time trying to be different than my mom. She never apologizes or takes responsibility for herself. She doesn't talk about her feelings. She doesn't go to therapy or try to work on herself, on her inner self. So, I console myself that we are different.

But here is how we are the same: We work tirelessly at our careers. We devote our lives to our children and families. We don't know how to make ourselves happy. Truly happy. We do things that we don't want to do. We sacrifice our own happiness in order to do what we think we are supposed to do. Because then we will be good moms and good partners and then people will love us.

But they don't love us. Not enough and not in the right way. They don't appreciate our sacrifice. I mean seriously, when you sacrifice your own happiness for someone else, is it even possible for that person to show enough appreciation to make it worth your while? No. It isn't. So they don't appreciate what we do for them. And they don't bend over backwards to make us happy. They don't give us the attention we need, the kind words, the kind touches.

Is it because we are a bottomless pit of need and they are afraid of being sucked in to the black hole? Yeah, that probably has something to do with it. Is it because we are bitter and angry and demanding of their love? Yes, that's it, too. I mean seriously, imagine your partner constantly complaining how you don't cuddle them enough, so you force yourself to snuggle up to them. Is that cuddle going to be very open, loving spontaneous? Once it has been extracted from you by blaming you for not being loving enough? Well, this is what it is like to love me or my mom. This is what I do to my partner. I push him away, and I know that eventually, he won't ever even want to touch me. He will cringe, the way I cringe when my mom gets near me.

Eventually, when someone has bitterly, angrily extracted from you what should be given freely -when they have resentfully done things for you, and then seethed at you for not returning the favor- when you can never give enough, never escape criticism, never see them actually relaxed or happy, never just co-exist, side by side with them, without them trying to get something from you, and no matter how much you give, it will never be enough, never satisfy them, because the truth is, they hate themselves and are trying to live through you, - when that happens for long enough, you just have to get away from that person. I know it. I have lived it. And I have become it.

And I'm passing it on to my son. Recently, I have seen him experience that depth of pain that I experience. That true self-loathing. That dire need for external validation. For someone to love me, to accept me. I've seen him turn to anger, lashing out, running away, falling down in a puddle of tears when he doesn't get what he should but can't provide for himself, self-esteem. And I know I have completely failed as a parent. Because it doesn't matter how successful I am at providing every wonderful thing in the book for him, if I cannot learn to love myself, he will grow up to hate me as much as I hate myself. And he will hate himself that much in turn.

I watched this with my own mother. For all the effort she put into everything that she did, if she had just forgotten all that and mastered one thing, loving herself, we would have a relationship today. The whole family would be healthy and happy, instead of shell-shocked and deprived. But she didn't know better, and she did what she did.

I didn't really know better either. But this year, after having started a relationship with my boyfriend after having been single for quite a few years, I have seen clearly what an insecure, needy person I am. How other-focused I am. How unable I am to make myself happy, especially when I am in a relationship. I sacrifice my own happiness to try to fit some kind of mold that I think I am supposed to fit, and then I get hurt and angry because it isn't working. I've seen that in myself so clearly this year. I've even started to see it in my son.

I have worked hard to become more aware, but I don't know if I will be able to change. I would love to think I can. I know that learning to really love myself would be a revolutionary act of healing that would go forward and backward in time for many generations. I know it would be the kindest thing I could do for myself and for everyone who crosses my path, especially my family members. But I don't know how to do it or where to start.

The last couple of days I have been asking myself "what would I do right now if I truly loved myself?" That has been helping. Sometimes an unexpected answer comes to me. Last night, I got up and put socks on my cold feet rather than suffering and shivering in bed. It seems obvious, but I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't asked myself that question.

I also have found that when I am in that moment of extreme pain, feeling rejected and unloved, and I see myself starting to act out in tale-tell ways (being defensive, complaining about the other person, wanting to flee the room or the relationship), and I ask myself, "what would I do right now if I truly loved myself?" the answer is often, I would help myself calm down. I would recognize that my behavior is causing me greater harm, and that if I can give up being angry, I can start to feel better. I can start to give myself the love I need immediately and all others the space to give it in their own way and time and of their own accord.

I can recognize that they can't genuinely love me if it is being demanded of them, and that if I can calm down, they might not feel so pushed away. So, calming down is a new action that is available to me when I ask myself that question.

There are lots of other questions I still need to answer. Such as. What is love? When in my life can I be sure I have felt love? What are some examples of that? What would it look or feel like to apply that love to myself? How can I recognize when I am being unloving to myself? What are some of the signs of it that I have not yet noticed? What will I have to give up if I decide to really love myself? Can I do that? What other obstacles are in the way?

I'm super grateful for the level of awareness that I have been given so far about this issue. When I saw my son acting in some of these same defensive, butt-hurt ways that I do, and how it pushed me away, and how off-base it was, his feeling unloved, it was a wake-up call for me. I know I need to do better.

I'm pretty much putting it above everything else right now and praying for help and guidance. Wouldn't it be great, if one day I could say "Yes, I really love myself. I love my mother who is alive in me." And my son could say the same? I don't know what that looks like, but I know what the alternative is, and I hope I can learn a better way.