Well, that escalated quickly.
Turns out loving yourself is dangerous. But in a good way.
Let's recap:
1. I see my son acting pitiful, angry and needy in a way that reminds me of myself and my mother. A lightbulb goes on. He can only learn to love himself by watching me love myself, so I have to do that, stat. Otherwise, a terrible and very familiar program that has been running in my family for generations will run in him. It's already starting.
2. I create a blog describing the awful nature of what I have observed.
3. I have a short temper with my boyfriend along the lines of a theme that is part of this generation-long program. The theme is this: I do all this domestic work and give all this love, and I'm feeling angry and resentful about it, because I feel owed some respect that I'm not getting.
I notice that I've blamed my boyfriend and tried to get from him the love and respect I should be providing for myself. I know this is messed up. I know its a mess. But I don't reject myself for it. I love myself anyway. Even though I'm noticing it and how bad it is. Even though I know the consequences for myself and my family. Even though I'm fuming. Even though I really want to hate myself in this moment. I don't. I accept myself just as I am. I give myself real love and acceptance.
4. I become even more aware of some dynamics in my relationship that are not working for me. Things I've nagged about, needing my boyfriend to be more loving toward myself and my son, less critical, less hostile. But instead of blaming outwardly, I determine that because I love myself, and my needs are important, it is perfectly fine to consider leaving this relationship.
Instead of that seeming horrible, it seems ok. I can picture easily a future where I am single, not building these resentments, and still have a good friendship and even business partnership with my current boyfriend. I can see taking the best parts of the relationship and leaving behind the ones that aren't fulfilling me. I feel like the captain of my own ship again. My self esteem begins to rise and the anger softens. I'm thinking for myself now. Taking responsibility for myself.
Suddenly, I become very attractive to my boyfriend. Being a very sensitive person, he feels the shift instantly. "Hang on", I can feel him thinking "This thing is alive. She's got a mind of her own. That is a big difference from one who timidly holds in her frustration or begs me to fix it for her. She's taken the reigns to her own life. Now that is attractive."
"How amazing." I think. "No matter how I try to win his attention, I can't. But love myself, and suddenly he loves me, too." Yes, we know that's how it is supposed to work, but these old programs are pesky. I'm feeling a bit free and also a bit topsy turvy. I enjoy his attention, but not like I would have in the past, not as if it is filling a great need. I have begun to fill that need myself. His attention is just a treat that coincides with that.
OK, so that is the recap. What is the next step? Well, I bring up to him how frustrated I feel about his lack of closeness and respect for my son. I've caught him off guard, and he says some things he shouldn't have about my son and my parenting. It confirms the things I've known he feels. I lose my shit. I'm enraged. I'm on the point of ending the relationship and tell him so. He knows his words and judgements were harsh. I know there is some truth to them. We have brought this ugly subject into the light, but I have left in a huff and we don't know what will come next.
I continue to love myself. I'm raging. This is the hardest time for me to love myself. I'm accepting some mistakes I've made as a parent and how they have impacted my son. So hard to love myself. But I keep on. I accept who I am, all the good, which there is plenty of, and the bad, which there is also plenty of, but I don't hate or judge myself. I accept and love myself just as I am.
I pick up my son from school. Caroline, one of the mentors says hi and asks how I am doing. I respect her tremendously, but we've never had much honest conversation. I tell her I've just blown up at my boyfriend over our different parenting styles and his criticism of my son and me. I don't feel ashamed while saying it. I respect myself and own it. I am honest and straightforward, articulate and concise. None of these are things I would be if I were judging myself how I usually do.
She hears everything, all the strengths of our relationship and the couple of challenges. She says, "Gosh, these 2 things seem like things you can meet in the middle on." I agree. She doesn't judge me for admitting to my rage and I don't judge myself. We talk about what is going on with her. The conversation is 2 way, balanced, heartfelt and brief. I connected with her in a way that strengthened both of us and that we both enjoyed. All this because I kept loving myself through this.
I decide, as I'm driving, to go home, instead of to a hotel as I had planned. I am still a bit stunned by my rage as I am calming down, but I don't abandon myself. Neil gets home and is glad I am there. We work together with the horse. We talk a bit about things. I tell him more calmly how hard all of that was for me to face, and that there are some things I really need from him for us to move forward. And that I am willing to concede and work with him on some things.
He admits that he has been long on criticism and short on love and connection with my son. We get through the day. I go outside and play capture the flag with my son. It is super fun for both of us. I have not been playing with him as much over the course of this year and a half as we are all adjusting to the new family. A lot comes into clarity for me about what he needs. How I can do better for him. How things can be better between Neil and him.
We both need to have more positive fun interactions with him and we also need to work on the issues that were bothering Neil (his back talk and not having chores). These things are pretty easy to solve. We set up a schedule.
We also pose a solution to our other main problem, that of me wanting to have space for Neil and I to discuss relationship and family issues and matters of the heart. Which Neil is always avoiding and being annoyed by. We set up a 30 minute per night meeting time for these conversations. Then I will have a forum to get this need met. And Neil can have the entire rest of the day free from worrying that I am going to blind-side him with a serious conversation.
We just solved our two biggest problems as a couple in less than 24 hours. Was it pretty? No, not really. But it was real. It was transformative. It was freeing. For all of us. And it put us on a really healthy track. I mean, the difference is amazing.
So now, here I am, the day after a huge blow up and a huge fight. The day after I almost ended the relationship. I'm calmed down. Normally, I would feel worthless, remorseful, needing reassurance that I am still loved, that things will be ok. But I don't feel any of that. I feel loveable. I really do. I know Neil loves me. I know I deserve to be loved. I know my anger was my mind/body's way of getting my attention that I have been giving up too much self. (Please, if this topic interests you read The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy right this minute.) I know that it was unpleasant for both of us. Upsetting. But I'm still just as valid a person and as loveable as ever. This is totally new.
I suspect this is just the tip of the iceburg. What else will happen as I continue loving myself? How will it alter the course of my life and relationships? How we handle difficult times, messy emotions, conflict? I am on the edge of my seat to find out. Stay tuned.
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